Thursday, August 24, 2006

Dear Girls....

Dear girls,

For too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins. No more! The man fights back!! Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead.... long live the man of the new millennium. Listen up ladies; this is how it really is...

1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer. Just get your arse down to a gym.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, just put the, bloody thing down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us moaning about you leaving it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments when we dare to comment on it. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons men fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair.

4. Birthdays, valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present... Again.

5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. Saturday = sport. It's like the full moon, or the changing of the tides, let it be.

7. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

8. Anything you wear is fine. Really!!!

9. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

10. Face it; peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

11. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with that particular dress?

12. 'Yes', 'no' and 'mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Your mum doesn't have to be our best friend.

15. Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance.

16. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

18. It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody chocolate you eat!!

19. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you sound jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them.

20. The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.

21. If something we said could be intended two ways, and one of these ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

The ball's in your court.

The Lads


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