Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Advertisment

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
So she put an ad in the local Monday newspaper that read:

> HUSBAND WANTED:
> MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70'S)
> MUST NOT BEAT ME,
> MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND
> MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
> ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

Two days later the doorbell rang.
She opened the door, and much to her dismay, there sat a gray-haired gentleman in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

"Are you responding to my ad?", the woman asked.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?"

"Yes, I am", the man replied.
The old lady sneered:

"Just look at you. You have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled and said, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either", she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, and softly replied, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
The wedding is set for Saturday.

GENTING CABLE FELL DOWN (Malaysia)



Your personality, when you undress.

>>Amazing but true.... How you get undressed reveals your personality !
>>
>>
>>1) If you throw your clothes all over the place, you are a friendly, life-of-the-party type. You are free with your thoughts and opinions, not caring much about what others think of you. Your parents might think your room looks like a cyclone hit it? but it actually represents your happy, individualistic nature!
>>
>>2) If you remove each piece of clothing and put it away carefully, you are a serious person who likes her life to be very calm. You are comfortable with routine, and you believe that the best way to deal with life's problems is to prevent them in the first place. You are a perfectionist. By nature you are quite shy. You are observant and you know more about some people than they think, just because you've watched them. You are dependable and sometimes intense. You think carefully before making decisions. You go about your tasks methodically, with concentration. You know how to pay attention.
>>
>>3) If you take off the shirt, and ten minutes later get around to the pants, you are an extremely self-confident person. You are naturally bright and intellectual. You are also a deep thinker who loves to ask questions and ponder the meaning of things. You hate being rushed and you do not like to be hassled. Usually you like a lot of free time for yourself.
>>
>>4) If you get out of your clothes as quickly as possible, you are concerned about others and what they expect from you, but you're worried about your own needs. You are family-oriented, and stay extremely busy. You often feel stressed, but most of those heavy expectations come from your own head! Give yourself a break; you don't have to be perfect.
>>
>>5) If you take off your rings, earrings, necklace, watch, etcetera before anything else, you are a warm and sensitive person. You are considerate and thoughtful, and you give good advice to your friends. You are a natural born romantic! .
>>
>>6) If you don't have an undressing routine and you never do it the same way twice, you are a very curious and interesting person. You enjoy a broad range of activities. You take risks and enjoy fun and adventure. You are very social.

Dogs - Nuts Cut Off! (Joke)

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they
struck up a conversation...
The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you
here?'
The brown Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything... the sofa,
the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.'
The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'
'Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab. 'They
reckon it'll calm me down.
The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, 'Why are you
here?'
The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers
and trees, I dig just for the Hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big
hole in my owner's couch.'
'So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired.
'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too', the dejected yellow Lab said.
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you
here?'
'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump
everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower
and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself.
I hopped on her back and started humping away'.
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
'So, nuts off for you too, huh?'
The black Lab said... 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.'.

Cruel Punishment - 8 Year Old Child (Iran)








No religion can ever justify such a hideous and barbaric punishment for such a petty crime .. especially on an 8 year old kid....

Dropped your Mobile Phone in Water ?

A lesson in management

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Not Everybody Will Like You

It is not necessarily a pleasant experience, but there will be times
in our lives when we come across people who do not like us. As we
know, like attracts like, so usually when they don't like us it is
because they are not like us. Rather than taking it personally, we
can let them be who they are, accepting that each of us is allowed to
have different perspectives and opinions. When we give others that
freedom, we claim it for ourselves as well, releasing ourselves from
the need for their approval so we can devote our energy toward more
rewarding pursuits.

While approval from others is a nice feeling, when we come to depend
on it we may lose our way on our own path. There are those who will
not like us no matter what we do, but that doesn't mean that there is
anything wrong with us. Each of us has our own filters built from our
experiences over time. They may see in us something that is merely a
projection of their understanding, but we have no control over the
interpretations of others.
The best we can do is to hope that the role we play in the script of
their lives is helpful to them, and follow our own inner guidance
with integrity.

As we reap the benefits of walking our perfect paths, we grow to
appreciate the feeling of fully being ourselves. The need to have
everyone like us will be replaced by the exhilaration of discovering
that we are attracting like-minded individuals into our lives-people
who like us because they understand and appreciate the truth of who
we are. We free ourselves from trying to twist into shapes that will
fit the spaces provided by others' limited understanding and gain a
new sense of freedom, allowing us to expand into becoming exactly who
we're meant to be. And in doing what we know to be right for us, we
show others that they can do it too. Cocreating our lives with the
universe and its energy of pure potential, we transcend limitations
and empower ourselves to shine our unique light, fully and
freely.

The Smallest Elephant Found!

Parental wisdom

About Bob

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby.

Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Bob's funeral will be on Friday.

An Obvious Detection

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. He opened it and pulled out a picture and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

He stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

BAG PIPES ???

They should wear a boxer when it is windy! Traditionally, they wear nothing below the kilts.

The picture of the open-mouthed little boy makes me laugh! The guy seated next to the Queen is priceless!





The World's Largest Swimming Pool

If you like doing laps in the swimming pool, you might want to stock up on the energy drinks before diving in to this one.

It is more than 1,000 yards (1 kilometer) long, covers 20 acres (8,1 hectare), has a 115 ft (35 meter) DEEP END and holds 66 million gallons (249 million liters) of water.

Yesterday the Guinness Book of Records named the vast pool beside the sea in Chile as the biggest in the world.

But if you fancy splashing out on one of your own - and you have the space to accommodate it - then beware:
This one took five years to build, cost nearly 1 billion $ and the annual maintenance bill will be 2 million.$

The man-made saltwater lagoon has been attracting huge crowds to the San Alfonso del Mar resort at Algarrobo, on Chile's southern coast, since it opened last month.

Its turquoise waters are so CRYSTAL CLEAR that you can see the BOTTOM even in the DEEP END !

It dwarfs the world's second biggest pool, the Orthlieb - nicknamed the Big Splash - in MOROCCO, which is a mere 150 yards long and 100 yards wide.
An Olympicsize pool measures some 50 yards by 25 yards.

Chile's monster pool uses a computer- controlled suction and filtration system to keep fresh seawater in permanent circulation.

The sun warms the water to 26c, nine degrees warmer than the adjoining sea.

Chilean biochemist Fernando Fischmann, whose Crystal Lagoons Corporation designed the pool, said advanced engineering meant his company could build 'an impressive artificial paradise' even in inhospitable areas.

'As long as we have access to unlimited seawater, we can make it work, and it causes no damage to the ocean.'






Amazing striped icebergs

Icebergs in the Antarctic area sometimes have stripes, formed by
layers of snow that react to different conditions.

Blue stripes are often created when a crevice in the ice sheet
fills up with meltwater and freezes so quickly that no bubbles form.

When an iceberg falls into the sea, a layer of salty seawater can
freeze to the underside. If this is rich in algae, it can form a
green stripe.

Brown, black and yellow lines are caused by sediment, picked up
when the ice sheet grinds downhill towards the sea.






.. Is this amazing ??

Antarctica Frozen Wave Pixs - Nature is amazing!

The water froze the instant the wave broke through the
ice. That's what it is like in Antarctica where it is the
coldest weather in decades. Water freezes the instant
it comes in contact with the air. The temperature of the
water is already some degrees below freezing.

Just look at how the wave froze in mid-air !!!